but mr. kirk, dexter is in school.
i'm afraid he's not, mrs. fischbourne
mad coding style now. i have been simply writing and writing. the more i write the more stuff starts working. stuff breaks, stuff stumps me for a bit, but writing more leads to more functionality. it's not pretty, it's not optimized or generic, but i no longer care. i just want to get the assignment done and spend time with friends. i want to spend time writing code that i find interesting. i can write about this compilers project on my resume, but they aren't going to see the code ever.
resume, interview, DECaF. IBM never got back to me. guess they don't like my resume, or they will get back later. i need to get my transcript from de anza into the office at UCSD. i should find out from serge what kind of classes are heavy on the maths. i need to take math 20E.
how can i be so lucky? the most fortunate thing is that i realize how lucky i am. i think that's better by far than simply having a good life. realizing how good it is, that's key.
ryan and i talked some more about god. i don't know how he can believe so strongly in god without having put thought into some of the questions i asked. he's not me, that's for sure. i asked him if it was immoral not to believe in god. he said he'd have to get back to me. that was understandable, that's not a question i have had for long. i asked him what parts of me was god directly responsible for, because he said that yes god created me, but humans also have free will. there's a lot more to the conversation than what i've written so far. this is just a memory dump. i still need to email that guy from large group with these questions.
start over with the ryan episode:
i recounted a joke i'd heard recently: "god made me an atheist, who are you to question his wisdom?". i think it's a fair question, but ryan's response surprised me. apparently being an atheist is a choice in his opinion(when i say "atheist", i mean someone who doesn't believe in god and not 'someone who believes in the lack of god or gods'. ryan knows what i mean when i say "atheist"). i believe he is totally wrong. i explained that i am simply not convinced by any argument, evidence or experience of any kind that god exists. he questioned the meaning of "convinced". i didn't really have a good definition with which to respond. but in a similar vein: i don't decide what songs i like. i can't say right now "i decide that i will like the next song that comes on the radio." and have it be true. that just doesn't make sense. at the time i didn't give this analogy at the time, but i did explain that i felt that belief in god is not a choice, that it is outside the realm of choosing.
though if it is a choice, that makes the question "is it immoral not to believe in god" more interesting. i asked the question because i get the feeling that most religious people would say "yes", but i don't really know why. from my point of view before talking with ryan, it was perplexing to think that someone could be condemned to hell simply for not proclaiming the right religion, or some low level of heaven for proclaiming a near relative of the right religion. heaven and hell. weird.
pink floyd is very awesome for listening pleasure. i enjoy their music in a way that's hard to express in words. i can't choose to feel this way. i'm glad i can and do, but it's not a choice. if it were, i'd choose it more often. if i could choose to believe in god, i would. the downside would be that i'd have to ... i'm not sure what would be different, actually. certainly it depends on which god i chose to believe in. for the sake of following this train of thought, let's just say i go with the christian god that most of my religious friends believe in. the differences: i'd go to large group more often. i'd get different stuff out of it. i'd probably do religious stuff on sundays more often, like going to church. i could bond with religious friends in more ways, because we'd be able to relate more closely on religious issues. family gatherings would no longer have the uncomfortable religious times, instead they would just be religious times, probably comforting religious times. prayer before meals would not be awkward. maybe i'd try to show people how awesome god is. i would probably read the bible more.
how could i be happy in heaven when i know that people i know are in hell, or will be when they die? sure i didn't personally send them there, but i know those people, i know they are human just like me. they have feelings, thoughts, live and breath. how can i ignore that? is heaven like a drug that makes me forget about bad things? surely it's something other than that because that sounds pretty bad in itself.
and now i've cut a bit too far into my sleeping time. goodnight.
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